What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 03:47
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Who then, do I blame.?
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
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Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Comes on , in middle age.
What's a memory from your childhood that shaped who you are today?
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
What factors contributed to The Beatles' bitterness?
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
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Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Are there girls here who like group sex?
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
What is your opinion on the band Nickelback? Why do they receive criticism from some people?
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Why does my girlfriend keep asking me if I love her?
Was to survive, this bastard.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
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We were not on the streets..
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
She wouldn,t have been !
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I was very sick at this time too.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
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Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
But ive been too sick for many years..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Why do some women squirt and some don't?
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
One cannot live in the past .
He resisted the act ,that day.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He was dying to do it , i knew.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
She was in good health!
All the time i was locked up.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I waited trembling.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Put me off passion for life!!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
We all went to grammer schools
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
What did i know ?
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
She found it foreign!.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
It was going to be , some day.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
But, we were locked up after school.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
As i do to all so called friends.?
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
This is soul school!.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I have no regrets .
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Ive learnt so much.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I was 9 years of age.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I couldn’t, believe it.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Im still living with it.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I said to her
(And it was in our own minds.)
I will be 64.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
And i lived it daily.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
He knew the spot.
My family never makes their pension either.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Would this be the day?
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
So, i spoilt her more .
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I was scared of men, in general
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I write beautiful poetry .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I could never make a relationship work though!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I was seconnd youngest,
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I think the readers, may guess!
So whats the point in blame.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Why did i forgive my father ?
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
My life is so biszare .
I never cut or harmed myself..
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I don,t even have a pension.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
When she asked me how she looked .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
But it wasn’t much.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Especially a lifetime of it.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I did it because my mum asked me too!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
She loved him until the end.
She married twice! .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.